One of the greatest injustices of our time.

Once there was a chivalrous sentiment that women and children were to be spared ( in war, violence, profanity, labor, etc) you can see this in the popular film Titanic “women and children first”. Be as that may it is no longer the “sentiment” of today. (but seriously Rose there was enough room for both of you!)

Regardless if you want to have a career or not there is something deep in a mother that doesn't want to be separated from her children and sadly this is a daily reality for over half of the mothers in the United States. Families have it hard in this post-modern period. Let me take you through a few statistics on child care and explain why I think this is such a disaster for women and children of the future.

Let me explain the background of this post. I am a mom to one beautiful little boy who is currently 11 months old and In 2.5 months we will have our second child. However, I nanny or professionally sit for a 12-month-old boy who is cuiter than a button. His parents have had some times where one or the other was not working and they could be home at least a few hours a day with him during normal work hours, however with inflation and medical expenses they need to have more of a permanent income. With both parents working full time I will now be watching this sweet little boy around 40 hours a week. Now, what does this really mean? This means that HIS parents will only see him for roughly 3.5 hours a day before he has to go to bed. Adding up to 17.5 hours during the work week. Of course, they have him on weekends but that's a lot of time to miss.

I started watching this boy around 3.5 months old I was the first one to see him roll over, sit up, pull himself up onto something, and crawl. THIS IS CRAZY! Think about it, if you have been wanting children your whole life and you are not able to stay home you will miss everything. I know that this family wishes so much they could spend time with their son. They cannot have more children unless they adopt so this means that they missed those very special moments. This has truly broken my heart. So many mothers do this every day. They miss the firsts, and I know they wish they didn’t. No matter if you are a career woman with children or not there is something deep in your heart that wishes to be connected to your child and to see them grow. Thinking about this more the last few days I found a very interesting article by Chris Kolmar about child care statistics of 2023. My goal is to elaborate on a few of these with my personal opinion as a mother and a professional caregiver.

1: Only 38% of children have a parent caring for them

According to Chris’s research, only 38% of children are raised by a parent in the home. That means that regardless if the child is going to daycare, has in-home care, or goes to family members, friends, or a neighbor's house, Mom and Dad are NOT MOLDING THEIR OWN CHILDREN. A parent can’t step away like this without losing the formation of their child. Part of parenting is the responsibility of forming and helping your child develop. This is not to be a slam on parents this is a slam on our current society and the barriers families face when raising a family. We cannot have a society where parents and children are separated and have a shallow relationship with each other, especially in the early formative years.

Click the picture to see the article

The truth is most people can’t afford to live in a one-income household. 69% of young mothers work. You cannot tell me that all 69% chose this. NO! This is not a choice, this is families trying to pay their bills and having the money they need to buy formula, food, clothes and toys, and other necessities for their children, not considering saving for college. Our society has become completely unbalanced. Without the possibility of a one-income home, we lose our children. They can be raised by kids on youtube or Mary Joe down the street. If there were any values you wanted to instill in your child you better be damn sure that your care provider has the same values because with your child spending 40 hours a week with them they will become what they observe and learn with the care provider. We as a society shouldn’t be pleased or passive about this. This work-life balance is hurting our future generations. Children need both parents. They need to have a relationship with them. They need to know that they can count on the people that will be in their life, for the rest of their life. Not Sally-Sue who works at the daycare center down the street. Children will start to bond with their care providers, yet this isn't their desire, rather it's the effect of weeks, months, and years being with someone who isn't their parent.

Side note:

Continuing with #1 stability is essential to an infant and toddler. This is where habits start to form and if your child is going to daycare and is placed in front of a TV, Video game, tablet, or phone. These are the habits they will start to have for life. Picking the right care provider that shares your goals and parenting style is crucial for the development of your child.

2: Costs

Child care is not cheap and I get it, there is a lot of responsibility in just keeping your own child alive let alone someone else's. There is a lot of stress that comes with caring for someone else's child because children can be self-destructive at times. There is an interesting breakdown from Chris’s article. On the average weekly cost of child care. The cost is around 350 per week on average for daycare. If you choose a nanny it jumps to 612 a week and if you choose a family care center this could be the most affordable at 300 a week. According to the census bureau, the median income for single-income families is 67 thousand (rounded) if you take the average cost of child care and the average single-income family will spend about 30% of their monthly income on child care costs. Not including the food, rent/mortgage, Car debt, credit card debt, student loan debt, retirement for both parents, insurance for the whole family and so much more that we need to pay for.

What does this mean? Families are in between a rock and a hard place. Either once a parent stays home and there is a potential for having to live in low-income or you both work and you miss out on being a parent in the first place. This, THIS, is one of the biggest hardships of our time. Our society is built on the first 4 years of that generation's life. If you want to see how society will do during their working years first look at what their home life was like during their formative years. The first 4 years of a person's life set the tone for their future. If it is chaos and not structured that will be the default (not to say it will determine any individual's life outcome but it will influence) If the child is supported by a parent with structure this will be the default. This is not to say that other things can’t or won't form your child but I am saying it will always be in the background. It will be ingrained into your child in a way.

What I am trying to push here is that as a community we cannot be okay with this. Parents need more, we as a society need more, our future generation needs more and we shouldn’t be okay with this burden either way it falls (low income or forced to work).

3: How this affects women

We all know that If you are a mom your work is impacted. But again if 69% of young mothers are working what percent do you think would rather be home with their baby? According to the National institutes of health, 54.9% of women feel depressed when entering back into the workforce. 71.1% report being anxious. Mental health affects the entire society. As of 2021, 71.2% of the workforce were mothers (Bureau of labor statistics). This is a HUGE percentage of the workforce that is suffering from anxiety and depression. This is not healthy for women or our economy. There is such a fight for women in the workforce for women executives and there should be, but do not push this on the new mothers. Let's step up a society and protect our mothers and our children.

Often it feels like there is such a push for women to be equal to men in everything. This, however, is dangerous. Men do not carry the baby in their womb for 9 months, they do get to experience nursing them or the genetic bond that mothers and their children have.

“The fetal cells have been found to stay in the mother's body beyond the time of pregnancy, and in some cases for as long as decades after the birth of the baby.” see article here

Decades we are bonded to our children. Men do not have that. Men can separate and not have any physical ramifications. Women cannot and I don't think they would want it any other way. It is nonsensical to think they we should be the same in this regard and if we want a healthier better place for women in the workplace it starts with having healthier women raising the next generation.

#4 How this affects children

We can’t deny that today there is a plethora of mental illnesses in our society. Based on the research done by U.S New and world report “The more time kids had spent in daycare, the more likely they were in primary school to show aggression, have symptoms of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and experience anxiety and depression, according to information from the parents.” if that doesn’t lend any insight to our young adult population ( which I am a part of) I don't know what is. Being a parent and being with your child is the most important job in the world. Parents are LITERALLY training the next everything! There will be scientists, engineers, businessmen, politicians, and just normal people, that will change the world and our communities and we the parents need to raise them.

Conclusion:

There is so much to be said about this topic, and I am sure you can see my bias (we all got them to let's just acknowledge it and move on) but we can also see women (mothers) are not happy in the United States today and I think this may have to do with a conflict of interests. Many women are pushing having children back to further their careers but are ending up depressed or with anxiety either about work or their children depending on what they choose. Behavioral issues and mental disorders have been linked to children being raised outside of the home. I am tired of defending being a stay-at-home mom(SAHM) / nanny. We do hard work and sure if you are a SAHM you won't get paid, you probably won't get thanked, it will drive you crazy, and you will want to escape to the working world but there is nothing in the universe that is more important than being there for your child. Just so they know that they can go out there and be the best version of themselves. They can do this because we were there. But, we have a lot of work today. As a community, we have to demand better. We have to fight for this, it's time we fight for an economy that allows us or our spouses to be there. To take back the time with our children and to demand a society that can support a healthier future.

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